Writing and the motivation to do

Sungee found a song that I wrote about a year ago during those few months that he and I weren't speaking.

Its really embarrassing to me mainly for two reasons.

One, I almost NEVER share my writing... (so feel special cuz you're reading this! ha ha) It's personal and the thought of people reading it scares me to death. I think its the whole "what is your purpose for writing" thing again... I should be writing for myself... not to impress people. If I'm writing for myself then it really wont matter what others think of it... That's not to say that I wrote that song to impress anyone... it was written for me to release some thoughts that were in my head and also because i was messing around with my guitar and found some chords that I liked...


Two, I'm pretty sure the song was about him.

It wasn't long or revealing or anything like that. I'm not angry at all... kind of relieved to have someone read something that i wrote and not keel over and die from the horrid-ness... I'm afraid to ask what he thought of it though... I'm so lucky to have a man that is so honest with me... he didn't have to tell me that he found it! but he did. i need to work on being more open with him (though I am doing much better than i ever have... still something to work on)

Geez man i was soooo embarrassed when he said he read that thing! lol man I'm a trip...

The old me would have thrown the paper away and sulked for weeks... might have even deleted this blog for fear that someone i didn't want to see it might stumble upon it.

The new me however will continue to push forward and keep writing even though some of the stuff might be gay and corny to some people. its not for them... its for me.


This lesson of paying attention to what motivates us to do certain things has been entering my mind lately. Especially with reference to what I want my future to look like, Mellow, Sungee, Family and Friends, style, etc... its really everywhere.

I of course cant speak for everyone but for me, I've noticed that when I'm motivated by the "wrong things"... (money, status, opinion of others, etc...) I don't work as well... I take so much time thinking about how wonderful it will be when I have all of those things, that i don't actually take time to make it happen. and when it DOES happen, (i make a little more money ...be it through a raise or finding a new piano student etc. , i gain some status, people say that they like me, etc...) It never feels as good as I thought it would. Never.

As much as I want to believe contrary, money doesn't bring happiness. Having people know who we are... ex. status, power, idolatry... doesn't either... they are nice to have. but they aren't material. (not Material in the sense that they don't Matter.)

Now when I am motivated by things that ARE material... for example, getting Mellow off of the ground in order to work in a field that lets me spend more time with my family and have my children close to me at work... Relationship building and making my loved ones smile... things that are based in quality time... THEN, the journey is much more fulfilling and joyful, and the motivation is pure... so the outcome is as well.

A new focus of mine is to consistently check my personal motivation. and when it gets out of wack, I want to refocus on what's important. and choose those things FIRST above the material shallow, and selfish things that may have slipped in along the way.