Simply Put

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to figure out quite a few things. I’m sure you’ve seen the themes on continuous repeat within the screens of this blog because they seem to always be in my heart and on my mind.

How to work smarter. (because I’ve already mastered the hard-working thing. I’m exhausted and frustrated by my impatience).
How to save more
How to lose weight
How to eat/live a healthier lifestyle
Etc.

The list goes on. And for whatever reason the answer that just now popped into my head is “most of these things can be fixed/answered simply by stopping the bleeding”

Spending money seems to be the root or my current evil. Not the money itself however. That’s not my evil. But depending on it as the only source of survival is evil. I’m probably exaggerating a little bit but think about it in those extremes just for a minute or two. For example, healthier foods like fruits and vegetables are far less expensive than processed, fatty fast foods. If spending money on fast food is no longer an option, we would be forced to make inevitably healthier choices in our daily food intake.


This is not a new thought. It often takes me months or even years to acknowledge certain thoughts though. This is probably one of them. I’ve always been fascinated by the topic of simple living. And I knew that it would be a help in finding a more peaceful life. But I never really looked at it as the “answer” to achieving many of my goals.

I think that I am going about this the wrong way.
I think that instead of trying to work the hell out of life I should be trying to keep more of what I already have.

I think that I should stop spending money. Not because I have to in order to pay the bills. But as a voluntary way to find peace, health, and a fat savings account.

I need...

...to find a very good book to read. Something to make my mind slow down a bit…
This weekend will be the busiest we’ve had yet over at Mellow. Even with the cancelation we just had, Saturday will keep us mega busy. MEGA. I’m excited.

I think… that I wish…

That I could… mislay some of my stupid obsessions and learn to live and breath and enjoy this life.

Simple

I find that I am quite ridged in my thinking. At times I am completely obsessed with the way things are supposed to be. Wear the right clothes. Save the right amount of money. Buy the right house. Piece together the right kind of solid, structured American family. Don’t drink that. Don’t eat that. Go to bed early and don’t waste time.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about living simply. About what we really NEED in order to survive and what we just kind of like to have along for the ride. I’ve been thinking about “right” and “wrong” with respect to what we should want for our lives and what we should strive for. I search for a way to break away from these very certain molds that I have built for myself. To live freely and simply, and maybe even slowly, is something that I seem to never master.

The concept sounds childish -- to live a life that is slightly lacking in boundary and that allows time for simple and free living. But in all honesty, aside from a need to learn a bit more responsibility, do children really have it so wrong? Why are we so stuffy when adulthood sets in? Is it stress that makes us this way? And if so, why do we allow ourselves to become so bogged down with things that if could be tangibly measured, would not be worth the effort?

For most, the notion that “we cant take it with us” kind of slips from our grasp as we graduate from mandatory secondary education and look at our so called options. We are told that the only way to make this life work is to go on to study at a university and then some… and though I don’t regret any of my education, I’m completely puzzled by the fact that we go into so much debt to live these lives. Is it possible to live a fulfilling life with no stress? School begat debt begat endless working… living like our neighbor begat debt begat endless working... without school, our neighbor's influence and debt, would there be less work?

Or maybe the work being done would be of the save the world sort instead of the save ourselves from drowning in debt sort...

Just Before the Eleventh

I realized about 3 years ago that I really don’t connect with January 1st as a New Year. I believe that my new year is April 11… My Birthday. So April is the time that I have begun to do most of my reflecting though of course the first of January is still somewhat nostalgic.

It’s rare that I ever feel a pressing need to write something down. Mostly, I write so that I don’t forget things. The secondary reason is to keep friends, family, and an eerie stranger or two informed about stuff going on in my life. But never as a release or in response to an actual feeling of need. However as I contemplate my approaching birthday and what it actually means to be turning 27, I suddenly feel a need to release a thing or two.

As I was driving in my car a day or two ago, about 20 simultaneous thoughts made their way into my consciousness. This started with an out-of-no-where revelation that I will never ever be able to pay my parents back for the things that they have done for me. I don’t know where the thought came from nor do I know its significance, but I do know that I somehow never grasped this very simple truth until today. It had previously dawned on me that I certainly owe them a whole WHOLE lot… but never did it register that it would be an impossible debt to pay. The simple fact is that they literally made me who I am. If not for them, I wouldn’t be the me that you and I know. I wouldn’t be a neatly divided half perfectionist, half procrastinating-skater-by. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to get two bachelors degrees when one was just fine for most others. And forget the MBA… why go for more schooling I don’t “need”? I wouldn’t have even gone to school or cared about reading to learn new things as a means of strengthening my skill set, knowledge base, and pool of opportunity if it hadn’t been for my mother who made me read and write reports that were completely above and beyond school requirement.

I’d never care about starting a business if my mother and father hadn’t made me believe that I could do any and everything that I wanted to with my future.

There is just so much of me that they’ve fashioned, that I will never have the means to repay. How do you repay someone for giving you… yourself?

Like many people, I’ve often struggled with these types of subjects/questions. Meaning of life sort of questions; the type that people have an opinion on but can’t answer for certain. Life after life on earth, religion verses spirituality, the validity of the Bible as a guide verses just a historical account with note worthy parables and lessons… The topics of the questions are endless. One can read and listen and learn all they want to, but the reality is that there will never be answers to certain questions. At least not in this existence. Maybe in the next.

Having said that, I must also make it clear that there are quite a few things that I do understand and or believe fully. For example, I believe that there is most definitely a God. I don’t see how you can live on this astounding planet and not believe that. We have so much proof that humans can’t make something from nothing. Unless you really think that there was a huge bang and suddenly we just showed up, then there must be some power in the universe greater than anything we’ve ever known.

I don’t believe in luck and I don’t believe in coincidence. I know that I am a Christian if for nothing more than the fact that I believe in and aspire to be like Christ. I don’t think anyone, no matter if you believe in Christ as the Messiah, a profit, or just a man and nothing more, can argue that he is not worth patterning oneself after. To give selflessly to strangers is amazing to me. We are always looking for something in return for our actions… This man never did. Inspiring? I think so.

But people will scream things from the top of their lungs… “This is my belief! It should be yours too!” Somehow I’ve never felt sincere in doing that. I don’t think that there is much certainty in a lot of the things that people say they believe. And instead of shouting that I am certain of EVERYTHING, I find it easier to sit back and listen to whatever lesson is on the wind of the universe at the moment. For example, I can’t, say that I believe a baby who passes at or just after birth will go to hell. Now I’m not saying that babies are automatically saved. But does it make sense that a soul with no chance at all to hear the “Good News” would be damned completely? Without choice or a second chance? Doesn’t that undermined the entire Christian claim that people have free will and can either choose to accept or reject the gift of Christ’s blood? I struggle with this. I have no conclusion.

I also struggle with the fact that we really don’t know what comes after this life. Again, there are theories and what some would call proof. But no one has been able to say that they know for sure. At least no one that really seemed reliable to me. I have thoughts about what will happen. But it bothers me that NO ONE knows for certain. Faith and Hope are very different from concrete fact. I can live off of faith and hope. But I still need to be honest with myself that the characteristics of faith and hope support a certain number of my beliefs… not tangible fact.

I’ve gotten into far more than intended, but my point is that as I get older, there are more and more questions running around in seemingly strengthening and mounting circles of which I can not control, nor can I immediately answer. But I am starting to work through answering at least some of them. And others I am learning to accept as things that I may not ever comprehend.

So at the onset of this Birthday at which there are still so many unanswered questions, there are a few things that I do know.

I know that at this new beginning, I am far happier than I can put into words. Far happier than I would have guessed I could be. And completely intent on seeing what God has in store for the next 27 years of my life.

My family is with me. And they are all healthy and happy. Their presence alone is so incredible to me as I look around at friends that don’t have the amount of love and togetherness that I experience daily. As I mentioned before, my parents are so amazing… there are no words and there is no payment for the mounds of things they’ve done for me. I’m blessed to say that my beautiful sister is also my best friend… having her around to take care of me and make me laugh is truly a gift. And what would this conversation be without a mention of Sungee, who has never once asked me to be anything or anyone other than who I am. I love him for that.

Things have fallen into place that I didn’t really even realize where missing. In this the later portion of my twenties, as I begin to understand what is truly important… Real friends and family, I realize that I have what I need. That a change of mindset can bring immediate riches is beyond me. And I am so blessed that I involuntarily wait in fear of something awful happening since statistically, if you’re into probability and that sort of thing, there is no way that I can continue to be as blessed as I am, unless of course it is God’s will (as I DO believe in miracles and find them easier to believe than the notion that the souls of babes end up in hell).

And to counteract and not overwhelm myself with to much blessedness and so as not to have something precious and dear taken away, the only true option that I see is to bless others with what I’ve been given. I see no other option than to give of myself, my time, and energy. Since so much has been given to me.

People have asked what I want to do for my birthday. Aside from not going to work for the day… (YES!) There really isn’t much that I need. And that is honest and completely true. It’s not a matter of me being unsure or shy to ask. Nor is it that I am to lazy to plan something or feeling anti-social. I don’t want to do anything but be content in the life that God has provided for me at this time. Whether or not all of my questions are answered, I am certain that this life as we currently know it, is not a forever one. A new or changed life of some sort will have to come at a given point. It’s the way of things.

Cherishing loved ones and the relationships that we are so blessed to have with them, and living each day as positively and fully as we can are the only weapons that we have against the unknown. Regardless of the next chapter, we do have the option to live this one as completely as we know how.

With love,

G

When I think of home, I think of a place...

Ok so here’s the deal.

I’m moving back home.

“GASP!!” you say.

No really. I am. I love Philadelphia. I will definitely miss my beautifully airy, well-lit, and spacious apartment on the 6th floor… but, I’ve decided not to renew my lease at the good old black and gold Iroquois Building. Now don’t get all upset and mushy on me. Cuz it’s going to be alright.

After some long hard thinking and self examination, I’ve realized that it just makes sense. I’ve decided to go home for a few months to get things “together” and start looking for a house. This is the goal and I’m putting it out here for all of you to read… so that you can hold me to it.

I feel somewhat afraid.

In all honesty, I’m so blessed to have a family that will welcome me back with open arms (as long as I pay for the house laundry detergent among a few other menial things of household contribution). And though I will miss having my own space, I know that it will be worth it. Wish me good providence. Don’t worry. I’ll be back very soon.

Term Papers and Stillness

All my life I’ve been a mover. In every sense of the word. If I’m not moving physically I’m in a constant state of mental movement. Worrying or planning… thinking and thinking. Sometimes I think that’s the “cool” way to be… like I’m “better” than everyone else because I’m always busy doing something.

I can remember being 6 or so years old and not wanting to go to bed for fear that I’d miss something. What that something is I still don’t know, but I know that I didn’t want to miss it. I’ve been planning for retirement for as long as I can remember… even when no money was coming in, I was still planning. And though its good to plan ahead for things, I think that I am obsessed with it. Planning and being busy. I want to slow down. To enjoy what is happening right now around and directly in front of me… but I really don’t know how.

I asked Sungee about his 5 year plan. His answer was that people plan to much and they miss what’s happening in front of them… I know that he’s right in many respects.

The thing is almost everything within my plan is automated… as far as steps to take, where money should be saved, etc. so there really isn’t anything for me to do but sit back and relax a bit. But I keep looking and thinking and planning and refining anyway.

I really don’t understand how I can have such a strong desire to be still, yet I keep moving. I know that my nature is not to stand still. But I also know that it would be good for me to step out of my comfort zone and just be for a while… how do you stop though? The worrying and planning and all that? How does one find stillness in this life?

In life at this moment, I’m still working on these two papers for the final grades of my classes this quarter. One for Economics and one for MIS…They are like some kind of mean little monster hovering over my shoulder… but they’re due on Saturday so after that I should be good. really looking forward to the end of this horrible Economics class and a two week break from school.