Term Papers and Stillness

All my life I’ve been a mover. In every sense of the word. If I’m not moving physically I’m in a constant state of mental movement. Worrying or planning… thinking and thinking. Sometimes I think that’s the “cool” way to be… like I’m “better” than everyone else because I’m always busy doing something.

I can remember being 6 or so years old and not wanting to go to bed for fear that I’d miss something. What that something is I still don’t know, but I know that I didn’t want to miss it. I’ve been planning for retirement for as long as I can remember… even when no money was coming in, I was still planning. And though its good to plan ahead for things, I think that I am obsessed with it. Planning and being busy. I want to slow down. To enjoy what is happening right now around and directly in front of me… but I really don’t know how.

I asked Sungee about his 5 year plan. His answer was that people plan to much and they miss what’s happening in front of them… I know that he’s right in many respects.

The thing is almost everything within my plan is automated… as far as steps to take, where money should be saved, etc. so there really isn’t anything for me to do but sit back and relax a bit. But I keep looking and thinking and planning and refining anyway.

I really don’t understand how I can have such a strong desire to be still, yet I keep moving. I know that my nature is not to stand still. But I also know that it would be good for me to step out of my comfort zone and just be for a while… how do you stop though? The worrying and planning and all that? How does one find stillness in this life?

In life at this moment, I’m still working on these two papers for the final grades of my classes this quarter. One for Economics and one for MIS…They are like some kind of mean little monster hovering over my shoulder… but they’re due on Saturday so after that I should be good. really looking forward to the end of this horrible Economics class and a two week break from school.