Just Before the Eleventh

I realized about 3 years ago that I really don’t connect with January 1st as a New Year. I believe that my new year is April 11… My Birthday. So April is the time that I have begun to do most of my reflecting though of course the first of January is still somewhat nostalgic.

It’s rare that I ever feel a pressing need to write something down. Mostly, I write so that I don’t forget things. The secondary reason is to keep friends, family, and an eerie stranger or two informed about stuff going on in my life. But never as a release or in response to an actual feeling of need. However as I contemplate my approaching birthday and what it actually means to be turning 27, I suddenly feel a need to release a thing or two.

As I was driving in my car a day or two ago, about 20 simultaneous thoughts made their way into my consciousness. This started with an out-of-no-where revelation that I will never ever be able to pay my parents back for the things that they have done for me. I don’t know where the thought came from nor do I know its significance, but I do know that I somehow never grasped this very simple truth until today. It had previously dawned on me that I certainly owe them a whole WHOLE lot… but never did it register that it would be an impossible debt to pay. The simple fact is that they literally made me who I am. If not for them, I wouldn’t be the me that you and I know. I wouldn’t be a neatly divided half perfectionist, half procrastinating-skater-by. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to get two bachelors degrees when one was just fine for most others. And forget the MBA… why go for more schooling I don’t “need”? I wouldn’t have even gone to school or cared about reading to learn new things as a means of strengthening my skill set, knowledge base, and pool of opportunity if it hadn’t been for my mother who made me read and write reports that were completely above and beyond school requirement.

I’d never care about starting a business if my mother and father hadn’t made me believe that I could do any and everything that I wanted to with my future.

There is just so much of me that they’ve fashioned, that I will never have the means to repay. How do you repay someone for giving you… yourself?

Like many people, I’ve often struggled with these types of subjects/questions. Meaning of life sort of questions; the type that people have an opinion on but can’t answer for certain. Life after life on earth, religion verses spirituality, the validity of the Bible as a guide verses just a historical account with note worthy parables and lessons… The topics of the questions are endless. One can read and listen and learn all they want to, but the reality is that there will never be answers to certain questions. At least not in this existence. Maybe in the next.

Having said that, I must also make it clear that there are quite a few things that I do understand and or believe fully. For example, I believe that there is most definitely a God. I don’t see how you can live on this astounding planet and not believe that. We have so much proof that humans can’t make something from nothing. Unless you really think that there was a huge bang and suddenly we just showed up, then there must be some power in the universe greater than anything we’ve ever known.

I don’t believe in luck and I don’t believe in coincidence. I know that I am a Christian if for nothing more than the fact that I believe in and aspire to be like Christ. I don’t think anyone, no matter if you believe in Christ as the Messiah, a profit, or just a man and nothing more, can argue that he is not worth patterning oneself after. To give selflessly to strangers is amazing to me. We are always looking for something in return for our actions… This man never did. Inspiring? I think so.

But people will scream things from the top of their lungs… “This is my belief! It should be yours too!” Somehow I’ve never felt sincere in doing that. I don’t think that there is much certainty in a lot of the things that people say they believe. And instead of shouting that I am certain of EVERYTHING, I find it easier to sit back and listen to whatever lesson is on the wind of the universe at the moment. For example, I can’t, say that I believe a baby who passes at or just after birth will go to hell. Now I’m not saying that babies are automatically saved. But does it make sense that a soul with no chance at all to hear the “Good News” would be damned completely? Without choice or a second chance? Doesn’t that undermined the entire Christian claim that people have free will and can either choose to accept or reject the gift of Christ’s blood? I struggle with this. I have no conclusion.

I also struggle with the fact that we really don’t know what comes after this life. Again, there are theories and what some would call proof. But no one has been able to say that they know for sure. At least no one that really seemed reliable to me. I have thoughts about what will happen. But it bothers me that NO ONE knows for certain. Faith and Hope are very different from concrete fact. I can live off of faith and hope. But I still need to be honest with myself that the characteristics of faith and hope support a certain number of my beliefs… not tangible fact.

I’ve gotten into far more than intended, but my point is that as I get older, there are more and more questions running around in seemingly strengthening and mounting circles of which I can not control, nor can I immediately answer. But I am starting to work through answering at least some of them. And others I am learning to accept as things that I may not ever comprehend.

So at the onset of this Birthday at which there are still so many unanswered questions, there are a few things that I do know.

I know that at this new beginning, I am far happier than I can put into words. Far happier than I would have guessed I could be. And completely intent on seeing what God has in store for the next 27 years of my life.

My family is with me. And they are all healthy and happy. Their presence alone is so incredible to me as I look around at friends that don’t have the amount of love and togetherness that I experience daily. As I mentioned before, my parents are so amazing… there are no words and there is no payment for the mounds of things they’ve done for me. I’m blessed to say that my beautiful sister is also my best friend… having her around to take care of me and make me laugh is truly a gift. And what would this conversation be without a mention of Sungee, who has never once asked me to be anything or anyone other than who I am. I love him for that.

Things have fallen into place that I didn’t really even realize where missing. In this the later portion of my twenties, as I begin to understand what is truly important… Real friends and family, I realize that I have what I need. That a change of mindset can bring immediate riches is beyond me. And I am so blessed that I involuntarily wait in fear of something awful happening since statistically, if you’re into probability and that sort of thing, there is no way that I can continue to be as blessed as I am, unless of course it is God’s will (as I DO believe in miracles and find them easier to believe than the notion that the souls of babes end up in hell).

And to counteract and not overwhelm myself with to much blessedness and so as not to have something precious and dear taken away, the only true option that I see is to bless others with what I’ve been given. I see no other option than to give of myself, my time, and energy. Since so much has been given to me.

People have asked what I want to do for my birthday. Aside from not going to work for the day… (YES!) There really isn’t much that I need. And that is honest and completely true. It’s not a matter of me being unsure or shy to ask. Nor is it that I am to lazy to plan something or feeling anti-social. I don’t want to do anything but be content in the life that God has provided for me at this time. Whether or not all of my questions are answered, I am certain that this life as we currently know it, is not a forever one. A new or changed life of some sort will have to come at a given point. It’s the way of things.

Cherishing loved ones and the relationships that we are so blessed to have with them, and living each day as positively and fully as we can are the only weapons that we have against the unknown. Regardless of the next chapter, we do have the option to live this one as completely as we know how.

With love,

G