But Blue Sometimes...

I am thinking very seriously about taking a break from Mellow… though I’d never say it aloud.

Mellow has been one of my spoken/unspoken passions for over 2 years now… I say spoken passion because it’s one of these things that you talk and talk and talk about… but never really make a move on. I can’t say it’s always been just a “spoken” passion though. It has its cycles of ups and downs. One moment I’m in it… the next moment I’m out. One moment I can’t stand it… the next moment I’m scared to death to live without it. the ups and downs have become as frequent as daily though. And now I’m getting tired.

Its been a pretty cool journey… so many amazing relationships have come and gone throughout its existence… wrote a blazin Business plan that would definitely win some kind of award if I ever got it into the right hands… planned and planned and thought and plotted and met and waited…. But nothing. Steps are always going forward, but at such a slow pace, it’s frustrating.

We have some commercial space in the 1st floor of my apartment building… its just sitting there waiting for me to sign on the dotted line. Of course there is no money to assure myself and the property manager that we’ll be able to pay the rent on time… and no collateral to go get a loan. And now, the one thing that I DID have… the passion is waning too. I don’t know if I’m holding on because I don’t want to have tried and failed or tried and not completed yet AGAIN… or if I’m holding on because I know this is right and that it WILL work out in time.

I know that I want to do and have my own. I know that I am worth more and meant for more than sitting at a desk making someone else rich… but it’s a little harder than I let myself believe. Making a life that’s independent of a corporate psychopath’s paycheck is much more difficult than just sitting at the desk and remaining somewhat of a slave to it all…

That’s probably why most people choose to stay working for him… the corporate psychopath

And then there is of course the fear that I’ll never do it if I don’t do it now… life moves on… families join and grow… what if I get lost in my family… in the cooking and cleaning, and raising of chi’ren. What if I loose myself in all of that?
Probably too early to worry about something that is not even in the near future… this is what people talk about when they say that I worry to much about things.

But if I could break free, then I could enjoy those things AND mine at once… because I could make my own hours, rules, and life… bring children to work. Afford help for housework…

Oh yeah… there’s that passion again. Funny how that works…